Anticipation and Mental Health

My friend Lu often says that everyone needs to have something to look forward to doing. Whether it’s a monthly girls’ night out (which I have to start scheduling) or a vacation, being able to look ahead to something we enjoy will get us through the tedium of daily living.

Last spring, around the time that I was filing for divorce, I made sure I planned some fun things to keep myself busy. I went for an overnight visit to see one of my college roommates and take in a night of good music, planned to see Hamlet in town, signed up for a poetry writing workshop in the spring and bought tickets for a summer music festival. To some extent, I was planning distractions, to keep me in motion during the process of divorce and to keep me from brooding on my losses. It did make a difference to have my sights constantly set on something that was not too far away and that promised to be fun.

Lately, even when I’ve had something on the calendar, I haven’t quite been able to feel that sense of anticipated joy. Sometimes I have been just too busy to think ahead, or social outings still feel like they’re too much effort. There is a significant portion of life, especially a mom’s life, that seems to be dedicated to overcoming inertia. Just getting us all up in the morning was wearing me out. The separation and divorce left me mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Mental health, like dandruff, crops up when you least expect it. - Robin Worthington

I’m beginning to come around. I enjoyed talking with other parents at the school’s “Welcome Back BBQ” on Friday. While typically overwhelming, spending time with several of my siblings and our various children on Saturday was good, too (as we celebrated my mom’s 72nd birthday). I even took my boys from mom’s house to a Green Living Festival at a farm near where I grew up. The kids went through the Corn Maze, and I got to sit and enjoy a performance by Hoots and Hellmouth. (It is only in the past few years that I have remembered how much I love music, and have realized how much I enjoy seeing and hearing it performed live.)

In less than two weeks, I have plans to go out with one of my girlfriends to see the Avett Brothers perform at the Electric Factory. I have a great babysitter confirmed for the evening. I am usually pretty happy to spend short bits of free time with my notebook under a tree or in a coffee shop, but there is something exciting about definite plans to get out once in a while, to do something different. I find that it is key to purchase tickets in advance, which is a promise to myself that I really will expend the effort to engage a babysitter and really will go out.

The Lantern Theater Company is performing one of Moliere’s plays this winter, and the Screwtape Letters in the spring, and in May, the Opera Company of Philadelphia will offer La Traviata and I have at least one friend who is willing to see opera with me. Funding my cultural excursions is always an issue, but I hope to take in at least two of these shows. The kids and I may be receiving tickets to see Oliver! as a Christmas gift, adding the joy of sharing the arts with my boys.

In the long term, I have my sights set on a Master's in Fine Arts for writing. I am looking at a few different low-residency programs, brainstorming on child care options for the 7-10 day residencies that occur twice in the academic year. Financial Aid will be a huge factor, as will deciding whether to pursue a focus on poetry or fiction or creative non-fiction, or some combination. The nearer occasions of fun, as long as I keep working in between them, will keep carrying me closer to the days when I am actually preparing for the future goals, when (I hope) I will be amazed to get there, already.

Music and Latte, and Nicole Zell

Last month, Jenn and I met some other friends at the Steel City Coffee House in Phoenixville, PA (the Steel City and the town are fantastic). We went to see the Dave Spencer Trio, which we enjoyed though I found it confusing that the Trio appears to be a duo, Dave and Eli. Eli is a very creative percussionist, and fun to watch.

I don’t write more about music because I am so aware of my own ignorance. I would like to write more about getting out to hear music and about the way it affects people. It’s new to me, the getting out for live music, and I love it, I mean really love it. In the earliest years with my kids, I forgot almost everything that I loved except them. It’s a fairly common mommy syndrome. Following that, there was the insanity of my ex-husband’s illness and the difficulties that had always been involved in my marriage.

Then, a few years ago, some new friends asked, “Well, what kind of music do you like?” And I couldn’t remember. It was awful, suddenly confronting how far I had gotten from myself. So, I found my old CD’s and tapes. I went out to see the friends’ bands play. I was singing with the choir at my church. I listen to music differently, now. I challenge the kids to name the instruments we hear when we’re listening to the radio, and I listen more carefully myself.

At that Steel City Coffee House show, the opener was a young woman named Nicole Zell, who is all of fourteen years old. She is amazing. Nicole sang some of her own songs, as well as covering songs by well-known artists including Tracy Chapman. Her fingers looked thin and frail but play guitar with agility. The passion in her performance was surprising, though maybe it shouldn't have been. In our teens we lack experience, not passion.

I was only one of several women who were struck by this young woman who knows her gifts and is encouraged in them. Only one of several women who envied that, not with a bitter envy but one that wants to see young women like Nicole flourish and even encourage more young women, only wishing we had dared so much, so young. At one point Nicole's dad accompanied her on bass guitar, and I wondered if she realized how fortunate she is to have that in her life.

See, I don’t really know how to write about music. There would be more about the music itself, if I had written right after the show but I was kind of struck dumb. At the end of the night, I’d met Nicole’s eyes a couple times and wanted to tell her “Hey, you are amazing,” but I just couldn’t do it.

Later, I was sipping my excellent latte and was annoyed by one talkative show-goer who was a distraction. It was mortifying to realize that a few months back at a different venue, I had been that guy, only worse. I am a much better listener drinking latte than wine, I’ve realized. Plus I am getting out a little more often, so it doesn’t feel so much like an escape, like I will never get out again. It is easier to relax, to just listen, taking it all in.

Banana Boats, Baseball and Camp

This morning's small gift of joy was the Banana Boat Song on the radio, when I was driving in to work. The first time I heard the song was when Harry Belafonte guest starred on the Muppet Show (I know, I'm dating myself). There's the well-known and well-worn "De-O" but when I hear it now, what stands out is the smoothness of Mr. Belafonte's voice and the almost spiritual background chorus ("daylight come and me wan' go home..."). With a little more knowledge than I used to have of choral singing, I can pick out bits that I love: the bass voices that converge and make the dashboard vibrate, and the different notes making up a chord. But I still picture muppets on the end of the boat.

Last night I enjoyed a rare opportunity to attend a Phillies game. I had a pair of tickets for a corporate suite, and took a friend who could explain subtler points of the sport that I would have missed. What a game! The Phillies skunked the Reds 22-1, a game that was easy even for a novice to watch and enjoy, especially sitting just above the Phillies dugout. In the past, the few times I'd been to a game generally involved the nosebleed seats. It's not nearly the same, and I have just enough fear of heights to have thought a lot then about different possibilities for falling. Still, I have a very vivid childhood memory of Mike Schmidt hitting a grand slam in Veterans Stadium!

So, those are two good things in the present that also triggered memories of past joys. I wonder how I might describe the way experiences converge, like music does, to my children. I have spent most of the past several days coaching my Peanut through the grief involved with the end of a week at an amazing camp for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders. He struggles to accept or to forget or to move around the thought that he won't see those friends again for a whole year. Kids with Asperger's typically focus on the negative and tend to perseverate (remain excessively focused) on an idea, both of which have come into play and made it difficult for him to cope. I'm working on coaching him through it and trying to organize some sort of reunion picnic for the campers at the end of this summer - something positive and a much easier wait time.

It is so hard to let good things end, and I relate to his insistence that he just can't stand it. Some day the memory of camp, the memory of (hopefully) reuniting with his fellow campers and of returning to the camp will all be part of a comprehensive camp experience. He is so fortunate to have had the opportunity to go (I don't remind him of this when he is crying because he wants to go back, knowing it won't help). I remind him that every day it gets a little easier to keep going, and try to teach him to trust that there can be more of a good thing, even if you can't see it right now. And, somehow, the past and the present will come together to amplify the joy.

You don't look back along memory but down through it, like water. Sometimes this comes to the surface, sometimes that, sometimes nothing. Nothing ever goes away. -- Margaret Atwood

Work, an update, and another hero

It seems crazy that once I started blogging in the mornings, my focus & productivity with work (the paid work, the work I'm supposed to be doing at work) shot way up. Good thing, too, as I'm knee-high in insurance changes for open enrollment. I am way ahead of where I was at this time last year.

Finally, I got the official word Tuesday that the MIA Mirena is actually right where it should be, according to the ultrasounds (had the standard and the trans-vag, yuck), so nothing more is needed on that front. Thank goodness! I couldn't afford one more copay.

Once I wrote, many posts ago, that I have a hard time answering the question, "who are your heroes?" I started thinking of people I admire all the time. One of them is Ms. Michaela Majoun, host of the morning program at WXPN, 88.5 Philadelphia. She also hosts Live from the Kelly Writers House, the Sustainability series and the Arts Crawl. Michaela has an amazing voice that is easy to listen to every morning. Based on her voice, my brother John once suggested Michaela for the voiceover for The Access Group's corporate promotional video a few years ago. I believe she got that job, too.

I am frequently struck by Michaela's graciousness in speaking with guests and co-workers, her general knowledge and her ability to be present and responsive in the moment. When she presents the Arts Crawl or any other report, I hear her passion for music and the arts in Philadelphia. I would love to have her ability to connect with what's going on in this city, and to keep track of what's happening in the music world.

I am a sucker for a pleasant voice, but the intelligence and warmth that she communicates so consistenly make Michaela Majoun a hero to me. Listen at 88.5 FM or http://www.xpn.org/.

Timing and Faith

Yesterday, my friend Diane and I started the day with an inspiring exchange. I forwarded an email that I get, called New Every Morning (from http://www.pilgrimsrestbnb.com/), which always contains a Bible verse and another, related quote. Yesterday's quote was:

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on! hold fast! hold out! Patience is genius. -- Georges L.L. de Buffon

A therapist once told me "Sometimes God says yes, sometimes He says no. Sometimes He says, not yet." I hated that. I'm sure I've mentioned that I hate waiting. I tend to expect the negative, a trait that I see in my son - it is typical for kids who have Asperger's Syndrome. To wait with hope and expectation goes completely against the grain. It isn't just the waiting, it is holding on to the hope without continuous reinforcement, believing in that which is unseen.

Diane sent me a daily email from Joel Osteen, beginning with the verse: "And David turned away from Eliab..."(I Samuel 17:30, AMP; see http://www.joelosteen.com/). Mr. Osteen emphasized turning away from discouraging voices, as David did, when his brother Eliab pointed out the power of Goliath and the futility of fighting him. Yet, David did defeat Goliath. He won the battle - and the king's daughter and a lifetime free of paying taxes.

The messages were not on precisely the same topic, but both referred to perseverance and hope, and the importance of listening to our own inner voice, rather than the voices of the many who are not attuned to the direction of their own lives, let alone to the lives of others. In response to the Osteen message, I emailed back this quote:

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. --Mark Twain

Those who discourage you (including yourself) speak from their own discouragement, or from an agenda that keeps you discouraged so that you don't achieve much or expect much. It is hard work to learn to hear your own inner voice, then to trust and to follow that voice despite that constant pressure to do what others are expecting. The theme carried right through a session of empowerment counseling with Hero last night. It is hard work, but the payoff stays with you.

On XPN this morning (my favorite, listener-supported radio station, 88.5 WXPN in Philadelphia), the musician Moby was interviewed for Michaela Majoun's series on Sustainability. Moby discussed Sustainability as a principle for a career in music. He stressed following your own individual passion and drive, rather than selling out for the momentary success (the On the Waterfront effect: think of Marlon Brando, muttering, "I could have been a contender").

Bruce Springsteen was cited as an example of a performer with a strong career for over 30 years - some things have been more successful than others, but Bruce continues to find success because he continues to work hard at doing what he loves. Moby admitted that he is not a fan of Springsteen's music itself, but respects and admires the man as a professional and as an artist. Ms. Majoun concluded by adding that Moby's advice is true for everyone, not only musicians: be ready to allow yourself to make mistakes, and stay true to what you love.

When ideas and incidents come together at the right time, like the various devotionals and the radio presentation this morning, it is more than a coincidence. It's serendipity. As a kid, I read the book The Cross and the Switchblade, in which the Reverend David Wilkerson would call serendipitous events "Holy Spirit timing."

However it happens, sometimes there is a confirmation of purpose in our lives or in our present struggle. There is a reason to keep on, and to keep the faith. The proof doesn't come when we want it, but when it comes. The last quote I'd thrown out to Diane was from the Tao te Ching of Lao-Tsu, "When spring comes the grass grows by itself." Some things can't be rushed (God may be saying "not yet"). We do the work and complain because we can't force the results, but when the timing - that timing we can trust and believe in - is right, the results come, almost without effort.

You can visit with my friend Diane: http://www.myspace.com/uniqueblonde

Go to 88.5 WXPN online at http://www.xpn.org/ to hear the Sustainability in Music commentary by Moby, and check out other great features, including the 2009 XPoneNtial Music Festival, July 24-26.