Happy?

On Sunday, I went to the annual Labor Day Barbecue that friends of mine have. The first thing Meg said when she saw me is "You look happy!" I hadn't seen her since the same barbecue last year (it didn't seem like a whole year went by). In the meantime, she referred me to a friend of hers who handled my divorce.

It is strange to hear, not for the first time, that I seem happier. Sure, I am aware that I am under less stress in many ways, but most of the time I seem to be just treading water and feeling a whole lot of pain. Have I lost touch with what happiness is, and expect too much? Or are there degrees of happiness, like freedom, and I'm getting there, just not all at once?

But even when I am at a loss to define
the essence of freedom
I know full well the meaning
of captivity.
-- Adam Zagajewski (translated by Anthony Graham)